And for you, a lump of coal.

Oh, I’ve got a list. And I’m checking it twice. But you may wish you weren’t on it. I promise to get merry somewhere along the line. And I’m even hoping for calm and bright. But right now, that whole “most wonderful time of the year” thing sounds a lot like fake news to me. And you are on my lump of coal list if:

You managed to sleep later than 2:30 a.m. today. You weren’t awake in a panic over not yet having even one sugarplum for the little one’s stockings? You’re dead to me.

You are one of those people I know who squeal excitedly about having finished their holiday shopping back in September. A pox upon you.

Speaking of the calendar, I’d like to have the name of the time thief who removed an entire week of December. I know for a fact that it was just December 3 a couple of days ago and yet the 17th keeps coming up on my phone calendar. What’s with that?

You, over there. The one I keep seeing at parties, sampling cheese puffs and chocolate truffles with abandon and never gaining an ounce. I looked at a pfeffernusse last week and there went another dress size…

Purveyors of gift-wrapping supplies. You, sirs, are Beelzebub incarnate. Shiny little roll of ribbon that costs $7 and then, unspooled, is just about long enough to wrap one and a half shirt boxes? Who do you think you’re kidding?

As long as we are talking about the devil, here’s a special shout-out to my L-2, 3, 4 and 5 vertebrae. That song of searing pain you were belting out all night long was not exactly music to my ears.

Oh, and that reminds me. Music. I’ve said this before but it bears repeating. Anyone who sings, plays or facilitates the dissemination of the song “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” should be hung upside down by their jingle bells.

To the Russians, who have clearly hacked my husband’s internal programming. Please return that nice man to me, because this Grinch with whom you have replaced him and who keeps telling me that people don’t give Christmas gifts anymore is not helping the situation.


To all the people who actually remembered to put stamps on their Christmas cards before you mailed them, just stop giving me that smug look. Like you’re smarter than me or something. Huh.

If you can assemble a Nordstrom box in under a half hour. Or, at all. I officially hate you. Or maybe I need to hire you, because I’ve got some pretty wonky looking boxes over here. What the heck IS a “gusset”, anyway?

If you are the idiot lame brain who decided it would be a good idea to plan a birthday party TWO DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. Oh wait, that was me. Never mind…

And the most special ire of all, the contents of an entire coal mine, go to the guy who zoomed into  the sweet parking place for which I had patiently waited, the guy who almost ran me down as I walked across said parking lot AND to the clerk who stole my credit card number the other day. Hope you enjoyed the $150 dinner you charged on it, meaning, actually, that I hope you choked on it. Eight shopping days left and I am without a MasterCard. At least my husband is happy…









About polloplayer

Empty nester searching for meaning of life through the occasional chicken epiphany.
This entry was posted in Annoyances of Life, Holidays and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to And for you, a lump of coal.

  1. tdevir says:

    Wow. You are having a rough month!! The stolen credit card is the worst. I’m sorry. And I commiserate on all your sentiments regarding Christmas…. every year I promise myself I will NOT overdo it, I WILL not be stressed, I will NOT say Yes to every event… and alas… 6 days to go and I’m completely over-scheduled and under-prepared!! See you soon… xo

  2. tdevir says:

    Sorry… there’s 7 days til Christmas! Ha

  3. Julia says:

    Bah humbug! Christmas karma will catch up with the credit card and parking spot thieves of the world. Meanwhile, Beck and I are happy to help wrap next week. He’s a pro at the boxes 😉

  4. Katherine says:

    So sorry you’re not enjoying the season as much as I enjoyed this post! Your good humor still outweighs your annoyances 😉

  5. citymama says:

    LOLOLLLLLLLLL- I had a parking spot episode that involved my two kids who won’t stop wrestling, my aging-rapidly 13 year old Tiny and our 5 foot long snake. BAH HUMBUG!!!!!!!

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