In honor of Mothers Day, today we have an exclusive interview with Hope, a single mother of five adopted daughters.
Interviewer: Hope, thanks for joining us today. We understand you took on a real labor of love by adopting five little ones at one time!
Hope: Well, I’d been wanting children for quite awhile – it’s all I could think about!
I: Umm, children? But I don’t recall that you have a rooster in your coop?
Hope: Rooster? What’s a rooster?
I: Uh, well, let’s move on. What is your advice to mothers of young children?
Hope: Throw yourself into it like a – well, mother hen, while they’re little. Those babies came to me at 4 am one June morning, and by 7 am, every single one of them knew I was Mom. I kept them warm and dry. I stayed with them 24/7 – you know how it is when you’ve got little ones, you can’t even get to the bathroom, right? If I was offered treats, I just took them in my beak and gave them to the babies. When they’re little, you just have to give them 100% – they grow up so fast!
I: I see. So do they have any contact with their birth mother?
Hope: Birth mother! Hah! Some biddy on the East coast who put them in a box and mailed them? That’s not a mother, I’m their mother!
I: Point taken. So, are you a co-sleeping advocate?
Hope: It worked well when they were younger. I just fluffed myself around them and under they went. You can’t get too much closeness when they’re little. It can be a problem, though, when they’re older and they still want to sleep with you…
I: So tell us your views on parenting as they grow?
Hope: Well, you can’t coddle them forever. They’ve got to learn the ways of the world! I had them out in the yard foraging by the time they were three weeks old. They’ve got to be taught important things like which worms taste the best. Above all, they need to understand that the world is a dangerous place. There are always hawks overhead waiting to pounce!
I: I see that you managed to raise five daughters on your own without government assistance. How did you do it?
Hope: Me? Government assistance? Heavens, no. I have staff. I’ve got two rather dim humans who scurry about on my behalf. You know how hard it is to get good help, of course, but they’re serviceable and they mean well.
I: What about discipline? I hear those girls were unruly in their adolescence.
Hope: Indeed they were. I think it came from not having a father in the coop. But I did the best I could. You have to be no-nonsense when they get out of line and my personal strategy is a lot of chasing and pecking. If you peck their feet real good, they usually settle right down. And if not, I just whisper in their ears that they’re headed for the stew pot!
I: Thanks for that advice. I have to say it’s never occurred to me to peck my teenagers on the feet or threaten to turn them into dinner, but I’ll get right on that. So your girls are grown now, right? Are you an empty nester?
Hope: Empty nest? Me? Hah. With this economy? Until those jokers in Washington, D.C. get a clue I’m stuck with all five of them crowded into my two roost bars. I’d like to have more children but I’ve got these free-loading adult daughters everywhere I look.
I: More children?
H: Yes, I’ve been brooding on that for almost a week now. I’ve even taken a leave of absence from my egg-laying job while I think about it, day and night. I figure if I stay with it, those two idiot humans will finally catch on and bring me a few new babies.
I: But what about your girlish figure? Aren’t you worried about getting run down?
Hope: Friend, that’s why I’m shaped like a plus-sized bowling ball and proud of it. All this nonsense about being the skinniest is craziness. You’ve got all these women running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to look like supermodels when all you really need in this world is good moms like me.
I: I can say Amen to that since I seem to be shaped more and more like a bowling ball these days, myself…
Hope: And one last thing – I want to wish every mom out there a Happy Mothers Day. There’s no harder or more important job in the world. And just remember – if they don’t treat you right tomorrow, there’s always the stew pot!