Pets on Prozac

My cats do very, very bad things.

Yes, I know, cats are inherently evil, (Angie sent me this link as proof: http://www.catswhothrowupgrass.com/kill.php) so short of smothering sleeping infants there’s hardly anything a cat can do that would surprise anyone. Maybe that’s why they try so hard.

"Actually, evil comes quite easily to me"

Our cats, specifically the three males (someone from the Greek chorus shouts “Why do you have three male cats to begin with?”) vent their anger, frustration or sheer meanness by what is euphemistically termed “spraying”. But you know what that really means, which is why, anytime you see a cat back up to draperies, furniture or the clothes you left laying on the floor, you go all Rambo and heave the closest heavy object in reach directly at said cat’s noggin.

Just in case you need the diagram (from http://www.sprayalert.com)

Or you purchase large quantities of scat mats, which has been a chosen approach since neither of us has a decent aim.

According to the product description, a scat mat produces “startling, unpleasant static” and “memorable deterrence”, which, having mistakenly stepped on them numerous times in bare feet, I can attest to as being an accurate statement. Cats being cats, you can even buy “faux” scat mats, which look like the real ones but minus the battery apparatus, they cost a bit less. Don’t bother with these, because,  cats being cats, they quickly figure out the ruse (Greek chorus in unison: “You expected less?”) and will spray defiantly on the bogus mat, leaving fragrant pools of cat urine for the man of the house to clean up.

Did I mention that cats are evil?

It wasn’t always thus. Harmony reigned until Dodger showed up. Maybe the other cats don’t like the color orange?

The Artful Dodge

Whatever the reason, soonafter Dodger’s debut, the problems began. And persisted. Being the new kid on the block, Dodger was blamed and the CE laid down the law: “If he pees, he leaves”.

Here are the things you do when you have a cat that sprays:

1. Spend a fortune ordering “cat attract” litter and a black light (http://tallyville.com/litterboxhelp.html) that helps you identify where the cat is spraying so you can remove as much of the offending stain and odor as possible to deter the cat from returning to “his” spot.

Cat Attract litter, available from amazon.com and many other vendors

2. Take your cat to the vet and spend another small fortune running tests to determine if he has a urinary problem

3. Skip steps one and two because (at least in our experience) they were a waste of time and money, and ask the vet for a Prozac prescription (for the cat, not yourself), as it has inexplicably been known to curb spraying behavior in cats. (Here is a good web site on the subject: http://tallyville.com/litterboxhelp.html)

Then, be patient. It takes awhile. Months. But amazingly, Dodger now greets me every morning and obediently jumps up on the counter so I can jam his Prozac pill down his throat.

Good boy!

This has worked so well with Dodger that as of this week, Dizzy and Cody have their own Prozac prescriptions. I’m choosing to ignore the Greek Chorus comments about just how dysfunctional my life must be if my cats are on anti-depressants and I am not. Perhaps it should be the other way around, but hey, I get  the occasional jolt of  electro-shock therapy from the scat mats, which keeps me sane enough to not bring home any new kittens…

"Proof of a world gone mad: they're giving ME the Prozac"

About polloplayer

Empty nester searching for meaning of life through the occasional chicken epiphany.
This entry was posted in Absurdity, Spoiled Pets and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Pets on Prozac

  1. A says:

    Bahahahahahhahahshahaha. Breathe……bahahahahahahahahhaah…..breathe.bahhahahahahah

  2. Duke' says:

    All in all, not a strong endorsement for ending your days as one of those “Cat Ladies” to be found on the reality show “The Hoarders”. Better to hoard old milk cartons, soup cans, rubber bands or McDonald’s food wrappers. None of these will actually accept your food, shelter, (not sure about the clothing….) and reward you by spraying your walls.

    Currrent plan is to hop up the chickens on steroids and hope for a rage incident that could take down one or two of the offending felines……

  3. jess says:

    My girls are misbehaving right now too, to put it delicately. Grrrrr……….I will consider asking my vet about the Prozac….but my girls HATE pills. I think I still have scars on my arms and face to prove it from the last time I had to give Calliope antibiotics. Remind me why we love them so much?

  4. Katherine says:

    I have a new item to add to my list of why I want to live with the Gutsches. Free Prozac!

    Meanwhile, ever since reading this, Karma has been hounding me to buy “Cat Attract” by the truckload. I’m trying to explain to him that spreading it around the property will not necessarily mean Dizzy will come over.

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